The 12 Tasks
by J.E.N.17
Summary: where have they gone! What happens when vince wakes up, he is all alone & who is that guy ordering bread?
1. Chapter 1

**My first boosh story so might not be the best but hey I can work on it with your help!!**

**This story has references to ButtonsMagoo's story called 'the yoghurts fault', also bit added from her.**

**So here it goes...**

Vince woke up to find himself and Howard squeezed into a single bed. He slapped Howard to wake him up. 

"What was that for?" said Howard holding his cheek.

"What are you doing in my bed?" said Vince pushing Howard out onto the floor and taking his duvet back.

"Well there was a big storm and I got really scared but Naboo and Bollo had gone out because Bollo wanted to go for a walk, so I got in bed with you." said Howard getting dressed and then sitting on his bed on the other side of the room. 

"So we didn't..."

"Didn't??" 

"We didn't have sex?" By this point Vince had managed to get himself dressed and was just leaving the room to go to the kitchen. 

"No! Well I don't think we did as far as I can remember." Howard was following Vince out the room but he went to sit on the sofa. 

Vince pulled out some bacon and eggs and put them on low heat to cook slowly.

"Howard will you watch my breakfast while I take a bath?" asked Vince shouting through to Howard in the next room.

"Yeah so long as you do me some." He shouted back his voice growing louder as he approached the kitchen.

"Ok." Walking out the room, forgetting Howard's request.

So Howard put his own on to cook seeing as Vince had already gone to take his bath but he didn't go to the bathroom instead he sat down on the sofa. Naboo walked in and put the TV on he flicked to channel 4; wife swap.

Vince was sat on the floor in front of the fire and started to lick himself. Howard turned around to give Naboo a funny look for wanting to watch wife swap, but when he saw Vince sat there licking himself he freaked.

"Vince what are you doing?" 

Howard walked round the breakfast bar with the sandwiches and stood next to the sofa. At this point Naboo had stopped watching TV and turned to what was happening. 

"I'm having a bath?" Said Vince moving from his arm and proceeded to lick his leg.

"You're..."

Naboo butted in.

"Oh these will be the side effects of him eating my 'yoghurt', his body still thinks like a cat so he said he was going for a bath so his brain thought he meant lick himself." Said Naboo smirking.

"So how long will I have these side effects for?" Said Vince standing up and placing his hands on his hips.

"Err...mmmmmm...hmmmmm...errrr well its hard to tell could have them forever or for 5 minutes or a year you never can tell."

"Well that's great absolutely great! What if I walk into a pub and start licking myself what do I say shall I say? 'don't mind me I'm just licking me balls'?" then I will fit in fine wont I?" He said his voice was beginning to form into a questionable shout.

Vince was really hacked off now; Naboo went back to watching his wife swap. About an hour later after they had all eaten and Vince had finished having his bath they were going to go out for the afternoon. 

They were going to go to a farm because Vince loved milking the cows but Howard use to say it was because he liked touching them up! Anyway they went to the farm and Vince touched up his cow, so they made there way back home for tea. They stopped at McDonalds for tea and Howard went over the road to collect a DVD rental from blockbusters. He rented out date movie, but when he came back the manager came to have a go at him.

"You, you there are you related to this man here?" said the manager Howard stood there looking puzzled because he had 4 accents crammed in one and could not understand a word he was saying. 

"Excuse me are you related to him?" this time he was pointing at Vince!

"Oh him,we're not related, just good mates, why?"

"Well take him away from here he is never allowed back!" The manager took his food and put them in the bin.

"Why did you do that why he is not allowed back?" Howard was very angry know he just spent £20 on a McDonalds for him and Vince and now he has chucked it away!!

"Because he just threw some food to the young boy over there and called a member of staff a fat cow and said can I tickle your udders?"

"No the man over there said she is a fat bitch so I asked if I could milk her! God just because I have a thing with cows!" Vince then crossed his arms and turned back around then him span back around again.

"Oh and that little boy he threw a chip at me so then I threw him my burger! God but I bet he didn't tell you about the ketchup did he no!! See he threw some ketchup swell and now look, I look like imp on my period!!"

Vince stood up and pointed at the ketchup which was allover his trousers but mainly over his penis part as he calls it. 

"Well give me my £20 back and we will leave but not forever!" Said Howard he put his hand out to receive the money. 

"You can have £5 back because he ate his." The manager was pointing at Vince. 

"What you ate the big Mac the 2 portions of French fries 3 milkshakes of every flavor and the chicken nuggets!" Howard was bright red he couldn't believe that Vince ate all that while he went to rent out a DVD. 

"Well I said I was hungry anyway you should give us £6 not £5 because I didn't eat my mcflurry!" Said Vince standing up pointing to the manager.

"Fine then." 

He gave them £6 and off they went home to watch date movie. They arrived back at about 7 'o' clock Vince went in and sat down on the best seat in the flat, the one directly in front of the TV he kicked off his cowboy boots rolled up his skinny's and removed his jacket; comfy.

"Oi you! There are other people living here as well so shift it" Howard said coming in with the DVD and a bowl of popcorn he kicked Vince's bum so he shuffled along. Naboo waltzed in followed by Bollo, they all made them self comfy and watched the film; date movie. They watched for over an hour chuckles being thrown about here and there before Vince's eyes began to feel heavy he curled up into a little ball, placed his thumb in his mouth and fell asleep. He was plagued by nightmares of topshop burning down and Camden market turning Chav but also had dreams of new outfits and a new set of hair straighteners even more hotter than Nicky Clarke, he sensed commotion outside of his dreams in the real world but shunned them aside for a new Bovril flavored coffee. Vince awoke the next day to find the flat quiet and empty, he got up and walked around the flat in search for his friends.

"Hoooooowarrd, Bollo??... Naboo!?" He shouted no answer.

"Helloooo?" He shouted again.

"Hello!" Something replied, It was coming from the kitchen, he wandered in to find Man sitting on a kitchen stool he was purple skinned and wore an assortment of clothing, ladies scarf's, tracksuit bottoms, a moth eaten hat, a wooly cardigan and huge doc martins adorned his feet.

"If you want your friends back then you need to do a few things for me."


	2. Chapter 2 Task 1 bread?

Hey people sorry about the wait lot of other things to do I'm afraid but anyhow I'm here now so lets get on with it shall we

**Hey people sorry about the wait lot of other things to do I'm afraid but anyhow I'm here now so lets get on with it shall we? Course we will **

**I don't own the Boosh, Julian and the naughty Noel do! (: **

**and a big thanks to ButtonsMagoo for everything**

_**Previously In chapter 1 **_

"_Hello!" Something replied, It was coming from the kitchen, he wandered in to find Man sitting on a kitchen stool he was purple skinned and wore an assortment of clothing, ladies scarf's, tracksuit bottoms, a moth eaten hat, a wooly cardigan and huge doc martins adorned his feet._

_**Back to now!**_

"If you want your friends back then you need to do a few things for me."

"What do you mean a few things?" Vince asked looking around the room, as he did he thought. 'This is definitely our house, I mean there's the popcorn we never ate and over there is Howard's kinky outfit he was playing good cop bad cop in last night..

"I need a few bits and bobs , I'm goin' away you see" So do you accept the task to get your friends back or not?" The purple man asked while walking over to the sink to get himself a glass of water because Vince and Howard had drank all the alcohol the night before.

"Well I barley know you? And how did you get my friends? Where are they? If you have hurt them I'll hurt you in ways you'd never imagine!"

"Oh really and how would that be?" Said the purple man trying not to fall on the floor laughing.

"Well you'll find out wont you? If your naughty" Says Vince winking to the purple man.

" might sound better as: are you coming onto me?"

The purple man got up and crept past Vince past Vince, trying not to touch him. He sat down on the sofa and turned on the TV: The Animal Planet channel.

"Ooo look at that dog how could someone treat an animal like that? Ooooo they just clicked his bone in place!" Said the purple man whilst tensing up his body and pulling faces at the T.V.

"No I'm not trying to come on to you, I'm still sore from last night." Said Vince rubbing his bum, cheeks with his hands.

" Anyway who are you?" Asked Vince removing his hands from his bum and pulling up a chair to sit by the sofa.

"I'm Mr. Bluebottom...now"

Before he could finish he was interrupted by laughter, he looked down to see Vince rolling about like Hyena cackling. Mr. Bluebottom was starting to get a bit angry. About 40 minutes passed before Vince managed to stop acting like a hyena but only because he needed oxygen to breath or else he would look like a shriveled fish out of water.

"I was saying before you rudely interrupted me why my name is what it is!" Said Mr. Bluebottom trying to gain Vince's attention again.

"Why do you actually have a blue bum?" Said Vince starting to sound like a four year old who couldn't believe that dogs give piggy backs to make babies.

"As a matter of fact I do, want to see? It's a bit sore though. Look its dark blue but normally it's sky blue." he said, pulling down his trousers and thrusting his bum in Vince's face.

"urgh could you put that away please? Although that does look like crabs in there? Just stay still so I c..can get a bit closer."

That was it Mr. Bluebottom was furious now that he knew his secret. He walked to the other side of the room and picked up Vince's coat and chucking it to him, Vince didn't even catch he was horrified that he has had someone with crabs in his flat.

"I'm sorry have I missed something but this is my coat surely you want yours if your going home?" Said Vince looking slightly puzzled at Mr. Bluebottom.

"I'm not going home I'm staying here your going to the shop."

"No I'm not, besides what am I a meant to be going for anyway?" said Vince grabbing his coat of the floor and screwing it up in his hands.

"To do the first task of course."

"Oh you're still going on about that? I don't want to go! Not now anyway, Bob the builder is about to come on."

"Oooo later then."

So Mr. Bluebottom and Vince sat on the sofa watching Bob the Builder and Wendy fix a shed. Once they finished Mr. Bluebottom walked over to the kitchen.

"Well, I'm very hungry and _you_ have no bread, so go to the shop." said Mr. Bluebottom sitting on a stool at the breakfast bar.

"But I don't want to go." Said Vince moaning as he turned off Cbeebies

"Well then, I'll tell your friends that you couldn't even pass task one!"

"Fine I'll go!"

As Vince said this he got an image in his head of his mother when he was younger shouting at him to go to the shop, and how he would stop at Howard's on the way for a quick kiss.

"Which shop should I go to?" asked Vine trying to find his pocket in his coat.

"Tesco's, I want a mill white loaf. Do you hear me?"

"Yes I hear you loud and clear" said Vince snatching £20 of him and stormed outside.

Vince knew what he was doing, and went down to the bus station. He was waiting for his bus when he saw a tramp and felt sorry for him, So he passed him the £20 and got £10 back. Then he paid for a return ticket which was £1.20 so he was now left with £8.80. He went to Tesco's and saw the moon which meant it was getting late but then the moon started to talk.

"I'm the moon and err. .. .. well the manager at err.. ... Tesco's asked me to advertise him so err... well he has a12 inch penis and his wife is a cup size 36ff but I err... . Think he meant Tesco's so shop there because.. ... .. . They got plastic carrier bags!!"

And then the moon disappeared again. So Vince went in and noticed the nice smell of a donar kebab for Pandari's in the air so he took his £8.80 and bought him-self a donar kebab . After this he has £2.60 left so he went to the bread section and was looking for mill. So he picked it up and went past the chocolate bar section. He couldn't help himself and bought a crunchie. When he got to the check out there was a little problem

"excuse me but you are 50p short." She said holding the money in her hand looking at him like he was some sort of criminal.

"Well that's all I have." said Vince shoving it in his mouth, so he didn't have to put it back.

"Look I'll cut your bread in half that should do."

So she pulled out a big bread knife and started to cut the bread in half,Vince was a bit worried about the fact that they kept bread knifes behind the counter and started to take a few steps back in case she turned on him. Once she finished she gave it him back and he quickly ran away so she couldn't chase him with the knife, Vince got on his bus home and started to nibble at the bread, And then he nibbled a bit more and a bit more. When he got back to his flat Mr. Bluebottom was watching the Tweenies.

Mr. Bluebottom, turned and looked at Vince standing there with nothing more than a corner of bread, Mr. Bluebottom frowned.

"I thought I asked you to get me a mill loaf, that's not a loaf is it? What happened?" He shouted, Vince just looked at the bread and shrugged.

"I got hungry I guess, and about your change," Vince said.

"What of it?"

"There is none." Vince said, smiling sheepishly, Mr. Bluebottom jumped up from his seat and advance towards Vince with a pointed finger, Vince began to cower in fear.

"You… You..You…Mean man!" Screamed Mr. Bluebottom, he slumped onto his famous 'blue bottom' and began to cry, Vince just stared at the scene, a 'wtf?' expression painted across his face, he ran into his room scouted for his piggy bank and when he found it he fished for a fiver and ran out of the flat to collect another loaf of bread. He had 11 hours left in which to complete 11 tasks, but he was still on task 1. 'This is bullshit' Vince thought as he made his way back to Tesco's.

**Enjoy it? **

**I hope so but before you review say a big thank you to ButtonsMagoo for everything she has done for this story and for me love you 3**


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